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How to gain "followers" without using Facebook

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I "like" them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me... whether it interests them or not.
And it works! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker and a psychiatrist.

Chinese travel agent in Shanghai

At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour, and asked her for her mobile number, so I could call her up to make arrangements.
She said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my Chinese friend interpreted it for me and told me she was only giving me her mobile number as requested: 666136429 (Contributed by K.P.)

Girl friend's pharmacist father

A girl invites her boyfriend to come over for dinner with her parents. And tells him that after dinner, she would "do it" with him for the first time. Never having done this before, the boy goes to the local pharmacist for advice. The pharmacist gives him all the information he needs to know about protection. At the end, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy chooses the family pack, thinking that this being his first time he would be kept busy all night.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's house and joins her parents for dinner. The boy offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. After five minutes there is still no movement from the boy. Finally, after ten minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I didn't know that you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I didn't know that your father is a pharmacist."

Second opinion

My doctor is just great! When I told him that I wanted a second opinion, he just went out and came in again.

Don't take me literally, please!

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

  No kidding: This is the world's funniest joke  

In September 2001 Richard Wiseman and The British Association for the Advancement of Science set out to find the world's funniest joke. This was the winning joke:

And this joke came out second:

The study also selected the top jokes in a number of countries. The Top Joke in the USA is as follows:

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."   The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

Humour in British ads
(Thanks to Kelly Yolland for sharing)

Must sell washer and dryer £100.

Worn once by mistake.

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

This joke was not considered for the above study but I enjoyed it very much. Hope you enjoy it too. It was sent to me by an Iranian friend.
An Iranian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Iranian for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Iranian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Iranian replies. "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?".

Punctuation DOES matter!

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.
"Well, I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation.
"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Mother's letter to a son

From what I read here these Sikhs must possess a fantastic sense of humour! This was what a mother wrote to her son:
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.
Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love - Mom.
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

"You're all the same!"

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your PearlHarbour, it was the Japanese".
"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship."
Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me."
The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.

Email that got into the wrong hands

There are different versions of this joke which is making the rounds on the internet but the essential part is here:
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and before he could do anything about it, the e-mail had left.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. She decided to check her inbox, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read as follow:

To : My loving wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date : 16 May 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here, and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached here and have been checked-in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
Your loving hubby
PS ....... Sure is hot down here!

The man who loved baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

The South African pastor and the taxi driver

A South African pastor dies and is waiting in line at Heaven's Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans and jewellery.
The gatekeeper addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Sipho Mlangeni, taxi driver, from Soweto, South Africa, boss."
The gatekeeper consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
The gatekeeper consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," explains the gatekeeper. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Telling the difference between male and female flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone," he replied.

English as she is spoke by Sardar

Sardar: I haven't slept all night in the train.
Friend: Why?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Why didn't you exchange?
Sardar: Oye! There was nobody to exchange in the lower berth.

Sardar went to a bank to open a savings account.
After seeing the form he went to New Delhi to fill it up.
Because the form said:"Fill up in capital".

Professor Sardar asked a plumber to come to his college.
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking.

On a romantic date Sardar's girl friend asks him:
"Darling! On our engagement will you give me a ring?"
Sardar said: "Sure! What's your phone number?"

Sardar was asked this question:
What will come first, chicken or egg?
"O Yaar, whatever you order first will come first!"

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except Sardar.
He had written: "Due to rain, no match!"